let's send ZOMB:IEs to mars

i have a great idea that will save nasa a ton of money. instead of investing trillions of dollars into making these lame remote rovers that are pathetic and end up dying all too soon after only gleaning a small iota of information, nasa should focus their researching efforts elsewhere: zombies. that's right, zombies. and probably a bit more security, since the threat of rogue zombies making a real mess is much larger than the chances of a remote droid romping through the research facilities at a devastating 3 mph. after all, zombies are also much more difficult to stop, whereas the nasa-bot will probably stop moving as soon as someone spills some coffee on it or it encounters a folding chair. i digress.

zombies, the consummate exploratory device. think about it, they're nearly indestructible, and in a hostile environment such as the moon or the martian landscape, facing extreme temperatures and breathtaking cliffs and gorges that would easily destroy an unattended robot, zombies would last. they never stop wandering, they don't need fuel or energy or guidance (although i'm sure there could be ways of guiding them).

yes, zombies are what nasa needs. simply strap a few of them down in a rocket, launch it towards whatever planet we need explored, and wait awhile. when the rocket lands, it doesn't even need to be gentle, as long as it's in one piece, more or less. have some remote way of releasing the zombies, and there you have it, instant, indestructible rovers. strap on some cameras and equipment to take measurements of his surroundings that can transmit the info back to earth. look at that, perfect.

now, of course, if nasa wants to think ahead a little, they might also want to attach explosive napalm collars that can be remotely detonated. as previously mentioned, zombies will just keep wandering endlessly, unless they are completely crushed by a random meteor shower or frozen solid in some subterranean cave filled with nitrous oxide. if we ever hope to actually send humans to more fully explore or settle, the last thing we would want is for our highly trained astronauts to be greeted by a ravenous zombie horde out of control. simply detonate the collar to sever the head, then napalm it to burn it so as to completely remove the threat of contamination.

i'm not sure why we would really try to settle mars, or any other planet or moon in the area for that matter, with their hostile and dangerous environments that are not exactly human-friendly. maybe earth just gets totally used up, or maybe the moon just becomes a very expensive vacation spot or tourist hot spot to visit. in any case, if that were even a remote possibility, nasa needs to plan ahead, lest they force us to stay on our little 'planet island' amidst the sea of zombie-infested planets and moons.

although i'm not much of a believer of life on other planets and all that business, i must say it is an amusing thought to think of how any aliens would react when they see a rocket land and zombies come stumbling out, trying to eat them. if they were somehow able to respond quick enough and survive a potential 'alien zombie' outbreak, the zombies must be terribly confusing. they would think, here is a life form that has somehow managed the technology and intelligence to launch itself out into the reaches of space, and yet they seem terribly unintelligent and unable of achieving communication. how peculiar indeed. maybe nasa should also attach some sort of disclaimer in case of such a situation.

"to any civilizations encountering these probe creatures,

we regret any inconvenience previously named bipedal exploration devices may have inadvertently incited. these creatures in no way express the ideas and opinions of their sponsors and creators, nasa, nor do they in any way act as ambassadors. attached is a detailed explanation of how to deactivate ZOMB:IE (zealous overland mobile body: intergalactic exploration) as well as contact information to expedite liaising between our two societies.

respectfully,

(nasa director)"

depending on how much havoc the zombies cause, tensions might still be high upon first real contact.