let's send ZOMB:IEs to mars

i have a great idea that will save nasa a ton of money. instead of investing trillions of dollars into making these lame remote rovers that are pathetic and end up dying all too soon after only gleaning a small iota of information, nasa should focus their researching efforts elsewhere: zombies. that's right, zombies. and probably a bit more security, since the threat of rogue zombies making a real mess is much larger than the chances of a remote droid romping through the research facilities at a devastating 3 mph. after all, zombies are also much more difficult to stop, whereas the nasa-bot will probably stop moving as soon as someone spills some coffee on it or it encounters a folding chair. i digress.

zombies, the consummate exploratory device. think about it, they're nearly indestructible, and in a hostile environment such as the moon or the martian landscape, facing extreme temperatures and breathtaking cliffs and gorges that would easily destroy an unattended robot, zombies would last. they never stop wandering, they don't need fuel or energy or guidance (although i'm sure there could be ways of guiding them).

yes, zombies are what nasa needs. simply strap a few of them down in a rocket, launch it towards whatever planet we need explored, and wait awhile. when the rocket lands, it doesn't even need to be gentle, as long as it's in one piece, more or less. have some remote way of releasing the zombies, and there you have it, instant, indestructible rovers. strap on some cameras and equipment to take measurements of his surroundings that can transmit the info back to earth. look at that, perfect.

now, of course, if nasa wants to think ahead a little, they might also want to attach explosive napalm collars that can be remotely detonated. as previously mentioned, zombies will just keep wandering endlessly, unless they are completely crushed by a random meteor shower or frozen solid in some subterranean cave filled with nitrous oxide. if we ever hope to actually send humans to more fully explore or settle, the last thing we would want is for our highly trained astronauts to be greeted by a ravenous zombie horde out of control. simply detonate the collar to sever the head, then napalm it to burn it so as to completely remove the threat of contamination.

i'm not sure why we would really try to settle mars, or any other planet or moon in the area for that matter, with their hostile and dangerous environments that are not exactly human-friendly. maybe earth just gets totally used up, or maybe the moon just becomes a very expensive vacation spot or tourist hot spot to visit. in any case, if that were even a remote possibility, nasa needs to plan ahead, lest they force us to stay on our little 'planet island' amidst the sea of zombie-infested planets and moons.

although i'm not much of a believer of life on other planets and all that business, i must say it is an amusing thought to think of how any aliens would react when they see a rocket land and zombies come stumbling out, trying to eat them. if they were somehow able to respond quick enough and survive a potential 'alien zombie' outbreak, the zombies must be terribly confusing. they would think, here is a life form that has somehow managed the technology and intelligence to launch itself out into the reaches of space, and yet they seem terribly unintelligent and unable of achieving communication. how peculiar indeed. maybe nasa should also attach some sort of disclaimer in case of such a situation.

"to any civilizations encountering these probe creatures,

we regret any inconvenience previously named bipedal exploration devices may have inadvertently incited. these creatures in no way express the ideas and opinions of their sponsors and creators, nasa, nor do they in any way act as ambassadors. attached is a detailed explanation of how to deactivate ZOMB:IE (zealous overland mobile body: intergalactic exploration) as well as contact information to expedite liaising between our two societies.

respectfully,

(nasa director)"

depending on how much havoc the zombies cause, tensions might still be high upon first real contact.

[un]fun size

i have had this thought on my mind for quite awhile, but halloween seems like a fitting time to share my thoughts on this particular topic. why in the world is the itty-bitty, miniature sized candy called 'fun size'?! it is anything but fun, in my opinion, more like laughable size, or tantalize size, or disappointment size, or maybe even evil size because it either torments you when you only get to eat one, or you end up eating half a bag of them because you only get a bite at a time and it's so unsatisfying that you must have another, thereby inadvertently gorging yourself on evil size candy bars. they are anything but fun, they make me want to pout.

even as a kid i realized the absurdity and irony of the name! i remember thinking to myself that if i was to make a fun size candy bar that actually lived up to it's name, it would be gigantic, like a loaf of bread or something! now that sounds like fun. and i still think along those lines. i would love to need a dolly to carry my fun size twix from the car to my house, then have a separate table dedicated to holding the thing because there wouldn't be room anywhere else.

of course, i guess in the end, my stomach would still hate me just as much whether i ate half a bag of bite-sized candies or a few servings of my body pillow-sized whatchamacallit. but this has never been about my stomach. obviously. i mean, it's candy we're talking about here, and if the stomach had anything to say about it, i imagine i wouldn't eat any of it. nay, this is about the psychological victory and excitement of having fun with candy. you can't deny that you yourself was excited over the prospect of having a piece of candy so large that you needed to wheel it in, but when you think of it, logistically, it's no different than having bags of little candies. there is just an emotional/psychological enthusiasm that accompanies the prospect of having a ridiculously large candy that, in all actuality, you probably would never even be able to finish. the whole 'your eyes are bigger than your stomach' dilemma that so plagues us whenever we walk into a grocery store hungry, or to a buffet that we end up being rolled out of by a large group of oompa-loompas.

i have come to the conclusion that perhaps there is more here than meets the eye. possibly the makers of these devious little candies know me better than i think, and they understand my love of legos and putting little pieces together to make bigger structures. perhaps they are suggesting i have some fun with their little blocks of delicious and stack them atop each other, let them sit in the sun a bit and get a little on the melty-drippy-gooey side, then gently place the whole mess into the fridge to solidify into one monster candy bar that is shaped and truly fun size!

i guess, since i hold little hope of seeing the name changed to something more realistic of its face value, i will have to content myself with this absurdly unlikely truth, and gain what joy i can from it. and now that i think of it, that actually does sound really fun.

traffic dooms the earth

i utterly hate commuting and driving in traffic (as if anyone enjoys it). i think the worst thing about it is that it makes me not want to drive at all afterwords. not even for something important, like getting food. i can just waste away on the couch, listening to the amplified fish tank in my stomach, but no amount of complaining will force me to get back in the car and get food. (this is all assuming, of course, that i am not at my own house, or that i have no food in the house, both scenarios are not uncommon.) that may seem somewhat minor, not willing to eat, but i love eating and tasty food. for something to dismay me so much as to dissuade me from even eating carries some real weight and is extremely influential. its almost kind of scary. if it could impact me so heavily as to steal the power of my raging appetite, what else could it accomplish? or not accomplish for that matter.

of course, this seeming dilemma really only impacts me, so far, and presents very little, if any, concern for anyone other than myself. or those unfortunate souls who happen to be within voice distance that i am nagging to get food for me. suppose there was some scenario in which my complete reluctance to drive would drastically impact the lives of others? and not just a few others, but all others, the entirety of mankind. what if there was a scenario that held global repercussions that hinged upon me dragging my half-dead brain back into my car and driving? perhaps some rift in the time-space continuum threatened to unravel the laws of physics at an exponential rate and the only thing that could stop it was for me to drive my car to the next city to re-balance our plane of existence. what then?! i guess that in such a situation, more than a handful of people would pay acute attention to my apathy and utter dismay. maybe then people would understand just how dangerous it is to live in a society and culture that is ok with allowing this system of transportation that constantly saps the soul from a large percentage of its denizens. the underpinnings upon which such a system is based will surely result in its own miserable demise if something doesn't change with urgency! any experience that drives a man to such extremes of indifference should gain the attention of any politician that has even the most minute truth behind his or her claims of caring for his or her constituency.

or maybe someone can just get me some in-n-out next time i'm re-sensitizing after an hour of 3 mph.

good guys vs. bad guys

i think the main difference between a good guy and a bad guy is optimism and pessimism, respectively. someone that is honorable and fights for good is the one with an unshakable view of the good in the world, and their steadfast hope in that goodness, striving forth to expand that goodness. a bad guy is a pessimist, and selfish, who can see no hope for the way things are and they way they are going. they strive to get what they can out of it. since someone will inevitably make a terrible mess of things, it might as well be them. both the heroes and the villains have the capabilities to arouse terrific and awesome acts of change, but their outlook on life and the world around them is what truly sets them apart and dictates their actions. they are the extremes at either end of the spectrum, the epitome of optimistic good or pessimistic corruption. the rest of us see varying degrees of both, and try to deal with it the best we can, struggling to maintain some sort of 'sane' balance.

since this nation is spiraling rapidly downward with no brakes, and i just want to have fun, i guess i would be a villain.

blind blessings

i think the best part of being blind would be that you wouldn't have to be afraid of the dark, ever. although, i guess, if you were afraid of the dark, then you went blind, life could be pretty stressful.

either way, i'm still glad i'm not blind. i was just trying to look on the bright side of things for blind people, since they obviously can't very well look on the bright side themselves. i wonder if that idiom holds any meaning at all for a blind person. probably not one that was born blind.

just to clarify, i am not blind. and i'm not afraid of the dark.

cloud discrimination

something i think is somewhat interesting. we can look at clouds and say, "hey, that looks like a sheep! i see a sailboat (or a schooner)!see how the one cloud goes up and over like the sails and the other cloud wisps in below it. whoa, check it out, it's a dragon riding a giant bunny while juggling baby geese!" we can sit and stare at clouds for awhile and just enjoy thinking of what they look like. so how come no one ever looks at some random object and say, "whoa, look, it looks like a cloud! see, the fluff and the puff. spot on match!" it almost like we don't want to acknowledge the existence of clouds. we go through life trying to figure out what else they could be instead of simply recognize their being!

how can such a degrading, discriminatory act of prejudice continue to sustain itself in this the united states of america, land of the tolerant and home of the equal-opportunistic?! we waged a bloody war on our own soil to disallow the notion that some men are better than others, we allow foreign empires to launch missiles at us without taking action, we permit aliens to come into our country and work our jobs while not even speaking our native tongue! and yet, we cannot allow the simple clouds their easy-going existence without taking away their dignity and robbing them of their honor. not only do we steal the very beauty of their grace and form and attribute it to another creature or object, be we encourage our children to follow suit, without ever questioning the danger our deep-seated intolerance is posing to the very actions of the future. outrageous, i cry! a true atrocity that must garner immediate efforts towards reversal and reformation!

i hereby declare that i, for one, intend to do my part to rectify the situation, and the next time i see a unicorn on a dirtbike, i'm going to say, "wow, that looks just like a cloud!"

castleman address

one score and seven years ago my father brought forth on this continent a new person, conceived in lori, and dedicated to the proposition that all hard-working men are entitled to an occupation.

now i am engaged in a great job quest, testing whether this nation, or any nation, so struggling and yet dedicated, can long endure to withhold employment from me. i am met on a great battle-field of this crusade. i have come to dedicate a portion of my time, as a final endeavor for those who here forfeit their lives for not responding to my cold-call e-mails, that this nation might survive with me pursuing that career which i so desperately seek. it is altogether fitting and proper that i should do this.

but, in a larger sense, i can not dedicate...i can not consecrate...i can not hallow this pursuit. the brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above my poor power to add or detract. the world will little note, nor long remember what i find here, but it can never forget what i searched for here. it is for me the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which needs more employees to accomplish. it is rather for me to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before me—that from these honored dead i take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that i here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new employee—and that capitalism: of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.